Tuesday, 23 September 2014

I'll be okay, just not today.


Not my typical post, but sometimes you just need to let it out. Life isn't easy, and dealing with life with anxiety is really hard. What may seem like something little to someone else is huge to me. I'm affected ten times more, I feel everything all at once, and it's too much to bear sometimes.

Making plans with people is a huge deal to me. Because going out is hard enough as it is. So when I make plans, I look forward to it so much. I'm counting down the days. I'm telling anyone who will listen how excited I am. So when those plans change or even get cancelled, it's devastating to me. Because I already worked it up in my head, and when it doesn't happen, my brain tends to go to the worst place. And having to constantly remind people about the plans we made, just makes it all a hell of a lot worse.

When I have to remind people of the plans we made, and I hear they forgot it was on that day or just forgot in general, it makes me feel like they don't really want to spend that time with me. I feel like the plans we made clearly aren't as exciting to them as it is to me, so I feel like I'm burdening them by asking them to do this with me. And then people wonder why I'm so alone all the time.

The rational side of my brain knows people don't do this on purpose. More important things come up and that's life. You just have to roll with it, and change and adapt. But it's not so easy for me. I guess it doesn't help that lately I've been feeing like I'm not someone's most important person. I know that everyone around me has that person that they'd rather be with. And I long for the day when I can be that person to someone. What that must feel like...

Now I realize how selfish that sounds. I know deep down that the people around me love me and I'm important to them. And honestly I would never want someone to drop what they're doing to spend time with me, the thought of that makes me really uncomfortable. That's too sudden, and I don't like it. It's just the plans. If we make plans, I work it up in my brain (almost too much!) that on this day, we're doing this and it'll be great. Because I'm doing something other than being by myself. I can't adapt to change quickly, it's not something that at the snap of your fingers, it's done and that's that.

So all this amounts to a whole lot of tears, and me feeling really down on myself. I keep trying to fix my life, and learn to adapt more. But it's just not that easy. I'm trying to be better, promise you I am. But it's days like this where I feel like what's the point?

      It's just a down day! It happens, everyone has them.

                            I'll be okay, just not today...

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