Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Sometimes I'm Not Fine


It's currently just after 2am, and I can't sleep again because all these thoughts in my head just won't shut up and so I thought maybe writing it will help.

Lately I've been putting on a brave face, and acting like I'm fine. I'm not! Biggest downside to being unemployed is this. What originally started as taking time to myself became me losing all motivation to do anything, me feeling depressed and tired all the time but I can't sleep. I literally can't tell you the last time I left my house! Last time I was unemployed it was for a whole year, and this is what happened; I became insomniac, I didn't eat properly so I lost alot of weight, and I was really down most of the time. Then I just ended up going back to the job I hate because it was the only job hiring at the time. I promised myself that wasn't going to happen again, but here I am falling into bad, familiar habits...again.

It's times like this where I really hate my life. I'll be turning 27 this year and I don't feel like I've lived. Experiences you think you'd have had by now, I haven't had because I allowed my anxiety and insecurities hold me back. I have zero confidence in myself which is just horrible. But it's like, no-one teaches you how to live. I can't grasp it. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to find a boyfriend. I don't know what to say or what to do. I don't know!

The worst thing about having social anxiety is that you literally don't know what to say in social situations, so you don't say anything at all and you can come across as rude when really it's the exact opposite. And when you do say something, you dwell on it so much and will think it's so stupid and no-one likes you or gets you, and you won't be able to stop thinking about how much you regret saying anything at all. I literally still think about things that happened while I was in Elementary school and I'll get so upset with myself. Like why! Why do I care?! I don't know how to not care! I don't know how to overcome. Everyone around me makes it look so easy..

You only get one life, and so far I feel like I'm failing at it. I keep waiting for it to get better, knowing I have to make it better. But I'm so depressed that I have no motivation to try. I just, I feel like such a dud. Like this incomplete person who can't get it right..

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